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Day 6: Love is not irritable
frustratedHe who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit, than he who captures a city. - Proverbs 16:32
Now this one spoke to me. I'm the one to always feel irritated, this is the weak spot for me in our marriage. I have to put the kids to bed, by myself, again, while he's on the computer. (Tonight, yes this was how it was but he was studying, so tonight I give him slack). He was home all day and yet the dirty dishes remain on the counter. The trash, the one consistent chore I ask him to do, remains piled up in the corner. Knowing we had no money, he chose to eat out, again. I could go on and on with this one.
To be irritable means "to be near the point of a knife." Interesting. A loving wife is not overly sensitive or cranky but exercises emotional self-control. (And I like this part right here:) She chooses to be a flower among the thorns and respond pleasantly during prickly situations. (emphasis mine.)
They want me to do what!?! Respond pleasantly?!? *sigh* I would rather bang my head on a brick wall and cry.
Stress weighs you down, drains your energy, weakens your health, and invites you to be cranky. Yep, nailed that one on the head. So, what can we do about it? The book says we should pray through our anxieties instead of tackling them on your own, to delegate when you are overworked, and to avoid overindulgence. Well, I've seen what delegation gets me, unfortunately. Five days of watching trash pile up...if not longer. I'll keep trying, but so far I don't get far with that one. Avoiding overindulgence...hmmm, not quite sure what it means by that. I don't buy a lot of things I don't need...even though there never seems enough to go around. Eating out too much is our vice there....yes, that's a form of overindulgence. Praying through my anxieties...that one I could do more often.
The heart of the problem..the motivation? Selfishness. Don't get me started on that one!
This one is so hard for me to write on...it hits too close to home. But, slowly, I'm learning to let go and give it to God. I'm learning to forgive instead of holding a grudge. I'm learning to just do the best I can and ask Him to help with the rest. Maybe, eventually, it'll get easier.
To be irritable means "to be near the point of a knife." Interesting. A loving wife is not overly sensitive or cranky but exercises emotional self-control. (And I like this part right here:) She chooses to be a flower among the thorns and respond pleasantly during prickly situations. (emphasis mine.)
They want me to do what!?! Respond pleasantly?!? *sigh* I would rather bang my head on a brick wall and cry.
Stress weighs you down, drains your energy, weakens your health, and invites you to be cranky. Yep, nailed that one on the head. So, what can we do about it? The book says we should pray through our anxieties instead of tackling them on your own, to delegate when you are overworked, and to avoid overindulgence. Well, I've seen what delegation gets me, unfortunately. Five days of watching trash pile up...if not longer. I'll keep trying, but so far I don't get far with that one. Avoiding overindulgence...hmmm, not quite sure what it means by that. I don't buy a lot of things I don't need...even though there never seems enough to go around. Eating out too much is our vice there....yes, that's a form of overindulgence. Praying through my anxieties...that one I could do more often.
The heart of the problem..the motivation? Selfishness. Don't get me started on that one!
This one is so hard for me to write on...it hits too close to home. But, slowly, I'm learning to let go and give it to God. I'm learning to forgive instead of holding a grudge. I'm learning to just do the best I can and ask Him to help with the rest. Maybe, eventually, it'll get easier.
CHOOSE TODAY TO REACT TO TOUGH CIRCUMSTANCES IN YOUR MARRIAGE IN LOVING WAYS INSTEAD OF WITH IRRITATION. BEGIN BY MAKING A LIST BELOW OF AREAS WHERE YOU NEED TO ADD MARGIN TO YOUR SCHEDULE. THEN LIST ANY WRONG MOTIVATIONS THAT YOU NEED TO RELEASE FROM YOUR LIFE.
This is so difficult for me! I don't know where to begin! Let me list my typical day:
7-7:30 am: I get up to get ready for work. I start working on the girls to get them up. Most of the time I'm still so tired I can't get out of bed (honestly I've considered undergoing a sleep study to see if I'm just not getting good quality of sleep at night...and if there is something that could help me out!)
8:00- goal to leave the house with children to make it to work on time (Obviously it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know you can't get one adult and three children ready in less than one hour, breakfast included...I'm already behind schedule)
8:15-finally out of the house and buckling children in car seat...leaving fifteen minutes to get to work
7-7:30 am: I get up to get ready for work. I start working on the girls to get them up. Most of the time I'm still so tired I can't get out of bed (honestly I've considered undergoing a sleep study to see if I'm just not getting good quality of sleep at night...and if there is something that could help me out!)
8:00- goal to leave the house with children to make it to work on time (Obviously it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know you can't get one adult and three children ready in less than one hour, breakfast included...I'm already behind schedule)
8:15-finally out of the house and buckling children in car seat...leaving fifteen minutes to get to work
8:20- children finally strapped into car seats and demands met-pulling out of parking spot...10 minutes to get to work.
8:45-finally arrive at work, was supposed to be here fifteen minutes ago.
8:45-4:00, 4:15, 4:20..sometimes 5 p.m. - working, with special needs children...satisfying yet exhausting on some days. Time left varies on what time dh arrives with kids to pick me up.
5:00-6 p.m.- arrive home, start on supper.
7 p.m.- eating supper
8 p.m. - preparing girls for bed
8:30-9 p.m. girls finally asleep...sometimes for middle one this is much later.
10 p.m.- I'm ready to crash, but this all depends on what I feel absolutely needs to be done. Tonight, this is laundry and I'm going to be up until midnight finishing it.
On Tuesdays, the girls have dance and karate starting at 5 p.m. This lasts until 6 p.m. We arrive home approx. 6:20 usually to discover that dh still hasn't started dinner. I must still make. On Wednesdays, we have class at church at 6:45, so I try to have dinner done and we are on the road again with 6:15 as goal, 6:30 typical. Of course, we are late. On Thursdays, dh is supposed to take middle one to her second karate lesson for the week at 2 p.m. He hardly ever makes it, which means I take her at 5:30.
We do eat out quite a bit, but not as often as we used to. Our budget just can't take it.
So- where do I start adding margin? As dishes pile up, clothes and toys get scattered throughout the living room and dining room, and evidence of snacking starts in the kitchen and can be followed like Hansel and Gretel's bread crumbs into the bedroom (there is to be no food in the bedroom, however mommy isn't at home during the day to enforce it.) I would have the girls' pick up their clothes and toys before bed as part of their ritual, except a.) it is usually met with either resistance or ignoring as they continue to play...and when I get tough on them they stand there and cry and still don't do anything! and b.) by this time mommy is sooooo tired, all she wants from them is snoring!
I would just love a little help during the day, from whomever is home with them watching them. It may be daddy, or grandma. I try to delegate and ask that things be picked up...just to come home and find it is still not done.
So honestly I have a choice. I can stay up until midnight or one o'clock every night just picking up dirty clothes, toys, vacuuming and doing dishes, and I've done it before. The result is a very cranky mother the next day, and teacher, because I've gotten no rest. Or, let it go, and then you can tell what happens next. A dirty, disgusting slob of a house (please don't call social services I beg!!!) (Oh- and no one need suggest Flylady, already a flybaby, but still having difficulty just getting my routines done...that's when I'm up until midnight!)
Class on Wednesday is important to me, as is Mission Adventure Club is for the kids. And each girl is in only one activity of their choice (youngest not being old enough yet). I want them to be able to have the freedom of expressing themselves in how they would like, and this is how they choose to do that. The oldest in dance, the middle with karate (by the way, I love martial arts and would love to start myself, if I had the extra $$$.)
Saturday is either relegated to clean the house day, which is so dreaded by all involved (mostly me) or family fun day, which is much more preferred. We had been going to church too on Saturdays since dh always worked Sunday morning, but the last two weeks I've gotten to go again on Sunday mornings with my mother. Church is my sanctuary, the girls are doing their thing and having a blast doing it, and I get to rest and relax and praise my King.
So let's look at wrong motivations. I honestly don't think selfishness is a factor for me. Not that I don't have selfishness in me, I'm a sinful human. But I don't think it's selfish to want a livable house and have some help doing it, especially when you are a working parent. If I was a stay at home parent, which I applaud those who do, I wouldn't expect as much help but the rent wouldn't be paid either and the electricity would have been shut off a long time ago. Perfectionism, yes...I have in my mind a vision of what I want my place to look like. Of the person I want to be. A place for everything and everything in it's place. Pictures on the wall (we've been here a year and still only my sofa picture on the wall). A warm, welcoming place fifteen minutes or less away from being picture perfect for company. For someone to say "Wow, I can't believe she has three young kids, works full time and manages to keep her home looking so neat and tidy and beautiful." (Wow, I hear a hint of pride there as well...not good.)
The next door neighbor tonight showed me some defect on her ceiling she is trying to get maintenance into fix. She has two small children, smaller than mine, and she works full time as well. Yet when I walked in, I couldn't see the leaky patch on her ceiling, the mold peaking through the plaster. I saw a clean apartment and covetousness set in. I so wanted what she had! There was three toys still laying out on the beautifully manicured carpet. And, of course, she ask that I excuse her mess! Yet I knew what I was hiding behind our door. Like a monster seeking to get out, one we had held at bay yesterday for a few short hours while our friends were over for the game, but came out as soon as they were out the door. I would just love to slay that monster once and for all!
8:45-finally arrive at work, was supposed to be here fifteen minutes ago.
8:45-4:00, 4:15, 4:20..sometimes 5 p.m. - working, with special needs children...satisfying yet exhausting on some days. Time left varies on what time dh arrives with kids to pick me up.
5:00-6 p.m.- arrive home, start on supper.
7 p.m.- eating supper
8 p.m. - preparing girls for bed
8:30-9 p.m. girls finally asleep...sometimes for middle one this is much later.
10 p.m.- I'm ready to crash, but this all depends on what I feel absolutely needs to be done. Tonight, this is laundry and I'm going to be up until midnight finishing it.
On Tuesdays, the girls have dance and karate starting at 5 p.m. This lasts until 6 p.m. We arrive home approx. 6:20 usually to discover that dh still hasn't started dinner. I must still make. On Wednesdays, we have class at church at 6:45, so I try to have dinner done and we are on the road again with 6:15 as goal, 6:30 typical. Of course, we are late. On Thursdays, dh is supposed to take middle one to her second karate lesson for the week at 2 p.m. He hardly ever makes it, which means I take her at 5:30.
We do eat out quite a bit, but not as often as we used to. Our budget just can't take it.
So- where do I start adding margin? As dishes pile up, clothes and toys get scattered throughout the living room and dining room, and evidence of snacking starts in the kitchen and can be followed like Hansel and Gretel's bread crumbs into the bedroom (there is to be no food in the bedroom, however mommy isn't at home during the day to enforce it.) I would have the girls' pick up their clothes and toys before bed as part of their ritual, except a.) it is usually met with either resistance or ignoring as they continue to play...and when I get tough on them they stand there and cry and still don't do anything! and b.) by this time mommy is sooooo tired, all she wants from them is snoring!
I would just love a little help during the day, from whomever is home with them watching them. It may be daddy, or grandma. I try to delegate and ask that things be picked up...just to come home and find it is still not done.
So honestly I have a choice. I can stay up until midnight or one o'clock every night just picking up dirty clothes, toys, vacuuming and doing dishes, and I've done it before. The result is a very cranky mother the next day, and teacher, because I've gotten no rest. Or, let it go, and then you can tell what happens next. A dirty, disgusting slob of a house (please don't call social services I beg!!!) (Oh- and no one need suggest Flylady, already a flybaby, but still having difficulty just getting my routines done...that's when I'm up until midnight!)
Class on Wednesday is important to me, as is Mission Adventure Club is for the kids. And each girl is in only one activity of their choice (youngest not being old enough yet). I want them to be able to have the freedom of expressing themselves in how they would like, and this is how they choose to do that. The oldest in dance, the middle with karate (by the way, I love martial arts and would love to start myself, if I had the extra $$$.)
Saturday is either relegated to clean the house day, which is so dreaded by all involved (mostly me) or family fun day, which is much more preferred. We had been going to church too on Saturdays since dh always worked Sunday morning, but the last two weeks I've gotten to go again on Sunday mornings with my mother. Church is my sanctuary, the girls are doing their thing and having a blast doing it, and I get to rest and relax and praise my King.
So let's look at wrong motivations. I honestly don't think selfishness is a factor for me. Not that I don't have selfishness in me, I'm a sinful human. But I don't think it's selfish to want a livable house and have some help doing it, especially when you are a working parent. If I was a stay at home parent, which I applaud those who do, I wouldn't expect as much help but the rent wouldn't be paid either and the electricity would have been shut off a long time ago. Perfectionism, yes...I have in my mind a vision of what I want my place to look like. Of the person I want to be. A place for everything and everything in it's place. Pictures on the wall (we've been here a year and still only my sofa picture on the wall). A warm, welcoming place fifteen minutes or less away from being picture perfect for company. For someone to say "Wow, I can't believe she has three young kids, works full time and manages to keep her home looking so neat and tidy and beautiful." (Wow, I hear a hint of pride there as well...not good.)
The next door neighbor tonight showed me some defect on her ceiling she is trying to get maintenance into fix. She has two small children, smaller than mine, and she works full time as well. Yet when I walked in, I couldn't see the leaky patch on her ceiling, the mold peaking through the plaster. I saw a clean apartment and covetousness set in. I so wanted what she had! There was three toys still laying out on the beautifully manicured carpet. And, of course, she ask that I excuse her mess! Yet I knew what I was hiding behind our door. Like a monster seeking to get out, one we had held at bay yesterday for a few short hours while our friends were over for the game, but came out as soon as they were out the door. I would just love to slay that monster once and for all!
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